In a league of her own

Dottie Collins died a week ago today. Dottie was a pitcher for the Fort Wayne Daisies, one of the teams in the All-American Girls Professional Baseball League. This was the women’s baseball league that happened during WWII, and was depicted in the film, A League of Their Own (1992).

I’m not much of a sports fan and never heard of Dottie Collins before I saw her obit in the New York Times online site yesterday. But the whole idea of women playing baseball while the war was going on, drawing crowds and demonstrating their ability to play the game equal to their male counterparts is fascinating to me. Their experience was the combination of talent, courage, timing and desire. The war gave these women a chance to show what they could do, when usually their talents were hidden behind the obligation to fulfill more traditional roles. And of course baseball was just one example of women stepping up to do other, less expected work. Women filled in for men in business and industry, working in factories and running farms. Just as the case with war in general, they became single parents until and if their spouses returned. Undoubtedly it was hard. And to add insult to injury, they found themselves displaced when the men returned.

But playing baseball was something different. Then as now a wholly male sport professionally (though women’s softball has gained prominence). These women could play, and they wanted to play. Yet when they did they had to dress and ‘act like women.’ The womens’ teams existed for six years, then the 50s and the coming ‘baby boom’ pushed them back into domestic bliss. Their effort during the war may have just been as entertainers, keeping up morale and giving people something to take their minds off the war. Yet, as women they dared to do what they did well, surely at a price, and to prove that women were more than people gave them credit for.

Dottie’s major contributions were twofold. Not only was she a dynamic pitcher for the Daisies (originally the Minneapolis Millerettes), but in the 1980s she made sure that the women’s baseball league of the 1940s wasn’t forgotten. She formed an association of former league players and gathered the memorabilia that is in the permanent Cooperstown NY exhibit of women and baseball.

The women ball players were wonderful models of daring and talent. If you haven’t seen Penny Marshall’s film, give yourself a treat, pay homage to Dottie Collins and watch it soon (Alice loves this film).

What’s wrong with real women?

While in a bookstore today I saw the front jacket of a novel I’d read a few years ago. It was Nicholas Sparks’ Nights in Rodanthe. It’s engaging and an easy read; a predictable story of middle age love between two unlikely people who meet by chance. My wonderful friend Crystal from Reno NV sent it to me. I probably wouldn’t have read it otherwise, but I’m glad I did. It’s always good to be reacquainted with passion.

The book jacket wasn’t the same as the one Crystal sent; it had a photograph of a man and a woman. See the picture above for the cover I received. Their faces were familiar to me and I realized the book cover was promoting a film made of the novel. The picture included Richard Gere and Diane Lane (they starred in Unfaithful several years ago). But here’s the problem: while the character in the book played by Richard Gere looked like Richard Gere (or someone equally good looking), the character played by Diane Lane did not. Check out the picture of Diane Lane from the film: petite and slim, cute-pretty, in her early 40s. The character in the book was not. Although she was in her 40s, she was not a ‘knock out’ and was on the chubby side. Let’s say Adrienne was average. In fact, it was because she wasn’t a knock out that the love story with the handsome, divorced doctor fed into our fantasies and helped us better believe in the likelihood of chance encounters.

So then why does Hollywood need to make that character equal to the doctor in the looks department? Why change the nature and spirit of the story this way? Why does Hollywood think we want to see a beautiful woman in the part, rather than the richness and dimension that an average looking woman would offer.

This was done previously (probably many times) and most egregiously in the film production of the stage play, Frankie and Johnny at the Claire de Lune (filmed just as Frankie and Johnny). Another love story. This time with a diner cook with a prison past and a waitress with self esteem issues and a long, bad history with men. I may be wrong but I believe Kathy Bates (Misery) was in the original stage production. Do you know who was cast in the movie? Michelle Pfeiffer. Does Hollywood think that we can’t be sympathetic to the sad, abusive past of an average woman? Or to average looking women regardless of their pasts?

Would it have been so bad to put Edie Falco (Sopranos) or the glorious Cherry Jones (see below) in the part?

Why do you think these casting changes happen? I don’t think they do this with men, or at least as often. We know that Hollywood is certainly not as concerned with men’s looks or their ages. Just think of all the films and television roles in which the less than young or attractive guy is paired with a young (or young-looking), attractive woman? There is clearly a bias for beauty in Hollywood and against average and old.

Yet I did see a woman on screen this summer in a big hit film that made me feel satisfied. She was in Mama Mia. It wasn’t Meryl Streep. (Meryl, goddess that she is, is the antithesis of average). And it wasn’t Christine - the fabulously talented but always seemingly uptight - Baranski. It was Julie Walters. Her looks were fun and relaxed, not Hollywood perfect and matched her carefree attitude. And she was portrayed in the same light. She’s on the left in the picture below. 

Notice, however, whom she was paired with at the end of the film? (hint: It wasn’t James Bond.)

So here’s the formula for pairings in Hollywood films: handsome man + beautiful woman;average looking man + beautiful woman; average looking man + average looking woman (only to be used in the direst of circumstances and only when a handsome + beautiful match exists in the film).

Oh, and as a final note of the inconsistencies between book and film. As I remember it, in the book the characters are about the same age (mid to late 40s). Richard Gere is 59. Diane Lane is 43. I guess it’s also OK to pair our older men with younger women. But can you think of a film where the roles were reversed? I didn’t think so.

Slim Chance

This article appeared in Thursday’s Wall Street Journal* It relates the experience of an 18 year old, 6′2″ aspiring model who, despite drawing attraction from agencies and even America’s Next Top Model (don’t get me started), she’s told to lose weight if she wants to make it.

This is what I fear if Alice gets into this in a bigger way: The pressure toward thinness despite what is physically and mentally healthy. Alice was blessed with genes and models of good behavior that have helped her body, hair, face and the rest be what it is (we’ll leave the rest of who she is aside for just now). If she wants to concentrate more on her diet or on her exercise as health measures within the scope of reason, fine. But to be told that she needs to be thin beyond the point of reason, beyond what is natural and healthy, and to do this for an extended period of time that places risks of long term damage to her body and/or her mind and spirit I object to. I’ve seen the effects first hand of body and food obsessions for women and I will tell you its a terrible waste of one’s life, time and energy.

Some of you may remember a book from years ago called Fat is a Feminist Issue. It was aimed at women who formed unhealthy obsessions with their weight, their eating and the bodies and reminded them that many of the messages aimed at women about their bodies came from a patriarchal, misogynistic society (including the fashion and cosmetic industries) that preyed on women’s insecurities. The message was for women to feel good about their bodies rather than trying to to conform to unrealistic images (again maintained by the image-oriented industries). I find it ironic that even young women whose bodies are among the 2% usually eligible to model are told and are trying to fit their bodies into even less realistic sizes and shapes. I guess the message is global and intensifies the closer you get to the source.

I value Vision for its healthy attitude toward their models’ bodies and health practices. Yet I wonder if those from the agency who really ‘make it’ are those who have to sacrifice and conform.

Photo booth bonus

Last night Vision hosted a get together, but I think the primary purpose was to get the beautiful people to take pictures in a photo booth. You know, the four black and white shots in a strip? They will use them to develop new ‘comp’ cards. Here’s what the final thing will look like (see below. No, that’s not Alice.) After tonight’s photo booth experience, the models will be called in for Tequen to take the other shots for the card.

Alice was very nervous going into this. It’s all so new to her and I think she was concerned about the poses. And about fitting in and hanging out with the other guys and gals. Having more experience will certainly help. But then so would having a few friends in the business.

The party was at a bar actually near my office- the Kitty Kat Club. It’s a very laid back, comfortable place. The group was meeting in a back room with a pool table and the fabled photo booth.  Nothing special; just a bunch of people, nicely or casually dressed, making small talk. The center of attention was my new best friend Elijah. A friend to all. Alternately having fun and running the show, which in this case meant prompting the models to get their pictures taken. Pictures already taken were on the pool table, so Alice had something to go by (and we had something to do while feeling awkward with strangers).

In short, the evening was a success. Alice’s three photo strips came out great. She got the hang of it and had fun and showed personality (more than in the sample above, I think). And we got to meet a whole lotta Visionistas - other models in the Vision line up. The girls were way more dressed up than the guys (little black halter dresses seemed very popular). But then, interestingly, when the guys stepped into the photo booth the first thing they did was to take off their shirts, so I guess it didn’t really matter. We saw two of the hunky guys we’d seen in person (remember shirtless cute guy from the early July meeting with Teguen?) and in print (one of their models who did a layout for the Gap). You know what? I’d love to tell you that these guys don’t look that great in real life, but they do. Not that I was looking.

The evening was a success for me because I met another family of the model person who I like a lot and feel very comfortable talking to. And as luck would have it, her younger sister is Alice’s age and is also doing the same Aveda Congress show that Alice is. The model’s name is Satta and her older sister is “Al” (really a longer name but this is what she goes by). Satta is gorgeous. The family is from Minnesota and New Orleans by way of the West Indies and she has the most beautiful dark skin. I was surprised to learn that she was 14, she definitely appears older. (But then that could be the height. At 5′3″ I go to these model get togethers and feel like I’m in the land of the giants.) Satta is new to modeling too. As I talked with Al I realized that her take on all this is the same as mine, and it feels good to have an ally. I’m particularly glad that the girls are doing this September gig together and I’ll have someone to commiserate with.

In a moment of quick decision, I encouraged the girls to take a strip of photos together (several models went in together for fun or more provocative poses). My initial impulse was for them to share the remaining dollar bills in my wallet. But I also considered that it couldn’t hurt Alice’s diversity image to pose with a girl so clearly opposite in appearance. And I thought it’d be a fun way for the girls to get acquainted. The four pictures looked amazing. The girls looked fresh and cute and very much like teenagers.

So all in all a fun, relaxing, informative and rewarding evening. Comfort when going into new experiences is always a good thing.

What’s the point of expensive purses?

Alice’s 15th birthday is on Saturday. Unlike most years her gift list is short. She wants only one thing. But it’ll cost. She wants an expensive purse. Now my idea of expensive (for me) is a purse at Kohls or Penneys over $20. My idea of expensive for someone less in the cheapskate bracket of personal clothing is around $100. For my kid, we’re in the $250 range and that’s because a limit was set. The purses she drools over are much more than that. For example, this little Coach number that caught her eye is $800!

Of course one issue is the cost. But then over the last few years that’s been the case with pretty much everything she buys or wants for her self. Alice is a label snob and wants only to be clothed in the likes of Juicy Couture or True Religion. She consents to buying most of her clothes at the mall stores - Abercromie & Fitch, Hollister, PacSun, Victoria Secret and the like. And fortunately she’s found a consignment shop that caters to her kind, which brings the pricetag into my stratosphere.

We regularly have fights over this situation. I was raised on buying clothing from Sears and Penneys, never learned the comfort or joy of shopping or feeling good about my body in nice clothes, and today buy most of my clothes at consignment or thrift shops, or when buying retail, buy only at sales and outlets. I do buy quality because it lasts, and choose natural fibers (wool, cotton) over anything human made. If I trend toward labels they are either along the LandsEnd/Eddie Bauer lines or if I’m really going whole hog, J Jill.

So, it’s VERY hard for me to understand the need for Alice to spend big on clothing, and spend often.

But oddly, I remain open to it.

First, there’s the generational difference. Alice is living the fashion life of a lot of teen girls, and I’m trying to respect that as I do other areas of her life.

Next, there’s a fascination I have with a world I don’t understand and am not a part of. Remember the speech that Meryl Streep gave to Anne Hathaway in The Devil Wears Prada? 

It might as well as have been me in the cerulean blue sweater, receiving the lecture. While I understand that fashion is a mega gazillion dollar industry I still have a hard time linking it to saving the world. Yet, I’m fascinated by its magnitude and I think mostly by wondering what so many people see in it that I don’t. Here’s a blog, just on designer purses: http://www.bagsnob.com. I’m stunned.

Yet, while I’m open to this shopping/fashion/big spending phenomenon, there are limits to be sure. So as best we can, we’re fitting Alice’s top end wants into some lessons on money management. Most of what she spends she spends with her own cash, gathered from jobs here and there, gifts and an earned allowance. Some portion of the assets from this modeling thing will go toward her personal budget as well.

The monetary size of this year’s birthday gift has also been a source of consideration. $250 is a lot of money to me. But here’s the way we look at it. It’s the only gift, and in previous years the total of smaller gifts, parties and/or trips definitely equaled or exceeded that amount. And it’s, in part, a recognition for effort put into certain learning-related tasks over the summer to help prepare her for school. And somehow that dollar amount just came up through the summer, probably when she saw something she fell in love with (and later fell out of love). And as much as I hate to play the ‘other kids’ game, other kids probably get even more expensive items for their birthdays. And in a piece of logic purely Alice: she could be asking for the $798 purse but she’s not.

So she’ll get an expensive purse, full price, and I still won’t understand why it should cost so much. Maybe I need Meryl Streep to give me another lecture.

Beauty and power

Although academic summertime continues for a couple more weeks, I still have work now and again. Today was a now day - a meeting on campus with the Center on Relational Aggression (I’m an adviser). My work in parent education, and in teaching child development landed me in the grasp of the truly wonderful Nicki Crick, the center director, and one of the biggest names in the world on this topic. [If you're not familiar with the term or phenomenon of relational aggression (RA), here's a description per wikipedia. If you've seen the film, "Mean Girls" you'll know just what RA is. And you'll remember that the popular girls were the pretty ones (but then you probably know that from high school anyway).]

Like other forms of aggression, RA has a lot to do with power. In this case, social power. As I left the meeting, still feeling the effects of my usual rant about the poor job that schools and our society do on teaching kids how to get along with each other, I thought of the connection between power, beauty and social relationships among girls. And as I considered it, my support for Alice’s venture into this modeling thing made more sense to me.

Let me preface this by saying that Alice’s friendships have always been a sore spot for us as her parents. It wasn’t that we were concerned about the quality of her friends, more that she had friends and was liked. Perhaps her dad and I are more sensitive about this given our own experiences of social ostracism as children, but throughout elementary and much of middle school we worried about Alice’s friendships. You know, whether she was invited to birthday parties and sleepovers, had kids to go trick or treating with, or a BFF to join at summer camp…. From what we observed and lived she seemed to be - in the child development parlance - socially rejected, or at best, socially neglected. It’s a painful place to be sure.

And then puberty hit. Alice shot up, she miraculously developed a sense of style (not inherited or learned at home) and became one of the “pretty girls”. Call it a coincidence of emotional and social development, but in 8th grade she also seemed to have more, better and consistent friends, and seemed to feel better about her friendships. This bolstered my comfort with our move to Minnesota and though her freshman year brought challenges, she was/is popular and has good friendships.

So I can’t ignore the power of Alice’s beauty in gaining her social access in high school. It is an asset that, when used for good, seems to be helping her development. She has a trait that is highly valued in her high school society and in our larger society and culture. And after years of wanting my kid to fit in, be liked, and to like herself, frankly I’m happy for her. Finally, something is easy for her. And as hard as it is to say, after years of seeing other peoples’ kids be successful, smart, noticed and/or picked, it feels kind of good that my child is the one being given some recognition.

Sure I don’t see it as really valuable - I’ve said repeatedly that I wish her talent, kindness or academic prowess was being recognized. I’m thrilled that Heidi Klumm (the supermodel) is also some of the brains, muscle and money behind Project Runway. And I don’t give a rat’s patotee what Hilary Clinton, Nancy Pelosi or Madeleine Allbright look like. They are accomplished, contributing women who have changed our world and I will continue to encourage my daughter to join that list.

But in our society, in Alice’s world, beauty has value and is giving her some power. While I remain conflicted about promoting this idea of ideal beauty through my daughter’s involvement in the world of modeling, as her mother I understand the value it has for easing her road through the hell that is high school.

In praise of older women (athletes)

Are you watching the Olympics? Me too. As impressive as Michael Phelps and the other athletes are, and as fun and exciting as the whole thing is to watch, what really has me at hello are the women. Specifically the older women like Dara Torres, and this Russian 33 year old gymnast competing for the German team. Women setting age records for competing in their sports. Better yet, women close to setting Olympic records in their sports for any woman/person, regardless of age. Click here to read about Dara Torres’ contribution to the US Silver in the 4X100 relay. Now that was fun to watch!

Talk about discipline, dedication and courage! What wonderful role models of women’s strength, power and the use of one’s body for its potential. Sure these are elite athletes, who practically have given their whole lives to their sports and to training. But their drive and dedication and their sheer power as women to stay at the top of their games for so long is to me, amazing. And what makes these women even more awesome to me, is that they both are mothers.

Changing expectations

A bit of a departure, but I want to recommend a book I finished over vacation. We’re back from a week at the Lake. Without Internet. Or decent coffee. And only minimal access to cable TV. Don’t mind me but I’m a bit grumpy from the loss of my creature comforts. Still a good trip and reconnection with family. But I digress…

The book is Beautiful Boy by David Sheff. I’d heard David and his son Nic interviewed on NPR a couple months back. The interview mezmerized me and drew me to David’s book. There are actually two books. David’s, on his experiences in dealing with his son’s addiction to methamphetamine, alcohol and other drugs, and Nic’s (”Tweak”) on his personal hell as an addict.

Fortunately I have no real experience with drugs or drug abuse, so the topic was not as a personal connection. What was the connection, what resonated in the interview, and what drew me to Sheff’s book, was his observations about parenting. Or more specifically, the challenges of parenting a talented child with a ton of potential, and the need to alter the expectations for their outcomes. In his case, Nic was (is) a gifted child in many ways who fell hard into drug use, and it led him to near death, the loss of at least five years of living (defined in the traditional sense), and definitely altered the natural and expected course of his time as a young adult. David’s accounts in the interviews and to some extent in his book (though his book is far richer) is on the change in expectation for Nic with Nic’s drug use. His expectations for a happy, healthy, productive and socially contributing Nic were necessarily reduced to a Nic as being both healthy and alive. Nic’s choices, his disease and his personal trajectory greatly altered what his father believed he would do with his life. Yet he remains hopeful. And he learned to detach. And learned one of the hardest lessons of parenting - to let go and let your child live their life, consequences and all, with measured and expressed support.

I learned a great deal about the personal, family hell of dealing with a drug addict, and it is something I wouldn’t want anyone to endure. It is intense, costly, ruptures and alters family relationships and is uncertain in its outcomes for the pain and payments it takes.

What I connected to most personally, was David’s attempts to help his son; the anguish in the search for accurate information and guidance, often from professionals, only to find no easy or consistent answers. Alice has struggles with school and learning, and for ever it seems, I’ve sought the assistance and connection with teachers to know how best to support her learning. Right.

I have also opened my mind up to the possibilities for Alice’s future, and the pace at which she will develop. She may do well in high school, go on to college, then on to a successful career. Or not. Her path may not be that even or predictable. Like David Sheff, though certainly not under the same conditions, I am learning to listen and be there for my child, support and expect great things, but stay open to her own path.

Identity or activity

If you saw the previous post before you’ll remember that the title was a complete statement. I included the word ‘model’ at the end of the phrase. It bothered me then to write it; it bothered me even more when I thought about it the next day.

Somehow, to use the word ‘model’ is to give Alice that label and I’m not ready to do that. I know what you’re thinking: if she’s modeling that’s what she is, right? Just as if she was playing soccer she’d be a soccer player. Yes, I guess. But I’m more content with the idea of people thinking of her doing the activity of modeling, not being viewed as a model.

Why? Because that label carries with it, for me, a negative connotation of surface not substance. I don’t see Alice that way and I don’t want others to judge her on superficial terms either. She is funny, very creative, highly talented, outspoken, and smart. She has moments of great kindness and generosity, interest in many things, and although there have been and continue to be struggles with school, learning and achievement (but that’s another blog), she has tremendous potential and her father and I know that she will do very well as an adult.

Quite simply, she is much more than her face and her body. And I’m afraid that the identity or label of model will thwart her motivation or offers for her to do more; that it will color her own sense of her worth and self, as well as others’ ideas of what she can do. And I’m aware (afraid) that my own support or discussion of her activity (including writing this blog) will be seen by her and others of a labeling and boxing in of who Alice is or is expected to be.

My visceral reaction to gender stereotyping (hell, any kind of stereotyping) is in response to the limits it sets, and the supreme unfairness in it. I have a strong rejection of that loss of independent action and decision, and realize that it is behind my fears for my daughter as she engages in this activity. My own generation fought for so much advancement, role breadth and choice for women. Though I hope this modeling activity teaches Alice worthwhile skills she can use to benefit herself and society as an adult without compromise, I resist the knee jerk judgments that may come along with the identity of ‘model.’ Indeed they are my own.

It takes a village to raise a …

Sometimes there are people in your kid’s life who are more important to them than you think they are going to be. Last Friday I took Alice in to get her hair trimmed. She and I go to a cool little place called Sweeney Todd’s in Minneapolis. Alice sees this young-ish stylist named Jess. Although she has yet to really trim Alice’s hair (she takes at least an hour and I end up paying for a complete cut) I like her a lot. They talk non-stop and Alice always leaves happy with her hair (I’ve paid the emotional price for the times she has not).

A few days before her appointment Alice casually wondered if Jess would have heard of Antoinette (aka avedawoman) who’d selected her for the Congress event. My mind went with the probabilities - a gazillion stylists in the Twin Cities area, Jess not working in an Aveda salon, so… probably not. But I didn’t say anything (I’ve learned).

Well, I was wrong, and am very glad I was. Jess reacted to Alice’s mention of Antionette as though I’d just been told a friend sat next to Phillip Seymour Hoffman on a plane trip (or for those less into film think: Barak Obama). She gushed! She shared the news with all the nearby stylists. She was giddy. Did Alice realize how big she was? The Aveda Congress was a huge deal - thousands of stylists. The cost for tickets was steep so she hadn’t gone. But it was a great event. etc. etc.

I was in the waiting area on the other side of the salon and partially heard the conversation. But enough so that I could both see Jess’ animation and Alice’s happy reaction. I heard Jess reinforcing the value of the upcoming modeling experience in ways that I could not. As a stylist she had more knowledge, understanding and value for the experience and the stylist involved, and Alice knew this. Jess also placed great value on Antoinette’s ability and notoriety and reinforced that the cut Alice would receive would be the best of her life. And she encouraged Alice to see the experience as a great first step in her modeling career (though I’d rather not think of it that way). Oh, and she mentioned Alice would probably go home with a bunch of free Aveda stuff.

I wanted to run over and give Jess a big hug for what she innocently and from her heart shared with my daughter. Alice has no friends doing this activity, no insider adults to talk to about this modeling thing. She just has me and some long distance friends but with them, I think its more like sharing information. And well, I’m just her mother. Jess was able to give value and meaning to the event, give Alice a stronger dose of reality (listening to Jess Alice finally clicked on the fact that she’s going to be performing for several thousand people), and to help her have more confidence that the haircut will be OK.

This hair “trim” cost me a bit more in time and money than I wanted. But what Alice and I got from it was more than worth it. Jess gave my daughter (and by extension, me) the gift of her interest, support and excitement. And even if I question the value of the overall modeling activity, Jess’ support help will help Alice connect, understand and benefit from the experience, and that I know is important.